Yet, she said to herself, from the dawn of time odes have been sung to love; wreaths heaped and roses; and if you asked nine people out of ten they would say they wanted nothing but this—love; while the women, judging from her own experience, would all the time be feeling, This is not what we want; there is nothing more tedious, puerile, and inhumane than this; yet it is also beautiful and necessary. 

For them not to say anything, but for the pain within to be even more evident. Spent my whole life being caught up in all these. It’s not that I want to be useful to people, but it saddens to be so helpless at times.

Maybe all these proximity is merely elevated by the words we say, that have become empty useless lines that bear no weight at all. We know it’s more than just to let others see this exterior, and it’s not that it’s all pretense. But truth is this thing that we have is built big but hollow, there are so many gaps. We’re hanging on to each other and no one dares to admit it, prefers the illusion of its perfectly packaged beauty - bcos we’re too afraid to be alone.

Aristal’s over, I had a week to reflect upon and ponder over it, bask in the moments of the final dance being really over. In the morning of the memorable last dance, I realized that all the sufferings, complaints, unjust I felt had clouded myself from really letting loose and enjoying myself. Related it to the ones around me, felt like crying but held it in. While preparing for the entire show, just exhausted myself by helping everyone around me such that even when I had time for a breather, I was just staring into space feeling numb. 

My feelings throughout my experience are mixed, I’ve gained valuable moments, met lovely people that are real enough for me to want to dance for them, but many others that are superficial and disgust me. I just keep thinking about how, even though I’ve learnt and grew along the way, there is still so much potential to stretch, so much more experience that could’ve been nurtured.

If dance had been the one true thing for dancers, does it matter whether or not we have performances to showcase ourselves? Why must it be the final performance which gives the adrenaline, and that we work hard just to let the audience watch a 10minutes piece which they will and can never comprehend? If you dance to express, then why is it that every time you perform the choreography you do not push yourself the hardest? Why is it with people’s recognition that it becomes significant? I try to stay true, by believing in dancing for the people, but these are the very people that are dancing to impress. What am I doing exactly, how much worth is there left?

Ironic how everyone likes saying “dance like nobody’s watching”, when I spent my two years in dance being taught how to present myself the best way in front of an audience.

I guess I’m going to stick to dancing for leisure, wanna return to dancearts.

What do I do?